Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN






To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictio
nary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).


Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.


Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


God Save the Queen!
 

21 comments:

Tricia Rose said...

In this photo Her Majesty looks determined enough to do it!

Re. point 14: the IRS is about a hundred times more efficient than the British Tax Man can dream of being. Drat.

Tea at 4, Terri?

La Dolfina said...

Tricia Rose - YES, and don't be late!

Splenderosa said...

Terri, where on Earth did you find this? So so funny, and quite possibly necessary.

Karen Albert said...

Terri you are the best! Too funny!
although it is about time that the US Government starting running the country in a more acceptable manner!

xoxo
Karena
2012 Artists Series

Janna McCalley said...

As a Canadian living in the US, and dissapointed with yesterday's results, thanks for bringing some humor into my day!

sharon santoni at my french country home said...

Well Terri, I'm definitely with her on the 'U's and the roundabouts!
love to you
Sharon
xx

Anonymous said...

another 4 years with no hope!

YONKS said...

Well said your Majesty!
:-)
Di
xxxx

Cheryl said...

Oh my gosh, this is so funny!!!! You made my night!

Mary Ann Pickett said...

This is hysterical! Just what I needed. And why DO we call it a WORLD series? :)

Babiole de Windsor said...

Oh my gosh I love this! Too funny

Olive said...

The only laugh I have had today. It is brilliant as my British friends say.

Anonymous said...

Feeling sad that a blog that I have followed and enjoyed had to venture into the realm of divisive politics :(

LaPouyette said...

Ha-Ha - Just love it ! Gave me a big smile!

Terri, just ignore people with no sense of humor.
the world is difficult enough and we all need a good laughter here and there.
Your post made my day!
Cheers!
Greetings from the PĂ©rigord, k

Gina said...

Dear Terri, Socrates said the same a few hundred years ago "You can tell how healthy a society is by how many Doctors and Lawyers it has".

Jo @ Let's Face the Music said...

I'm signing up for an earldom (or should I shoot high for a dukedom) immediately. Ta-ta. Jo @ Let's Face the Music

Maryanne White said...

Very Good!
Thank you for the laugh, so needed it after waking up again to no power and now snow!
...so sorry some people were "not amused".

Curtains in My Tree said...


LOL

Ok I am getting my tea pot and loose tea ready

God save the Queen

Anonymous said...

Quite divisive! At a time when people should pull together you decided to widen the gap by whining that your candidate did not win. I have visited you often but will not be back, not because of your politics but because of the further division you are exhibiting. Maybe instead of showing us so much shopping and trinkets you would like to get a job so you could better understand politics and real the real ecomony, not just the wealthy kind.

AlwaysMe said...

I just have to thank you for this post. It made my day yesterday and I found myself giggling out loud throughout the day. I really appreciate the wit and humoUr in this post. I really needed it after dealing with the aftermath of the elections - friends who are having trouble believing that the election is OVER and it is time to move on. I was ready for a laugh and you provided it. THANK YOU.

joanneinjax said...

Terri,
Please, darlin', stay away from politics. While I might have found this 'humorous' if the vote had gone the other way, I was distressed to read some of the comments. You basically insulted the Office of the President of the United States, who had just been duly re-elected, and some of the comments were downright insulting.
I'm sort of baffled - I thought you folks in Northern CA were supposed to be more liberal - and I don't mean that in a mean way.
You know I love your blog, and will continue to check in for your design brilliance! Not politics.
xoxo
Joanne